Access

My first CD4 count came at 818. According to my clinic, only if my count falls to 350 would I be put on ARVs. I am attending a free clinic where the drugs and tests are all free, donor and government funded. I tried to find out if I could get a prescription from a private doctor should I choose to. The answer is yes, but only if my CD4 is below 350, and it will cost me close to Kshs 1500 a week, beside the consultation fee. Money I do not have. Some choices are effectively removed from us. None of that treatment-as-prevention story down here! Well, at least they give me prophylactic antibiotics for free, gotta count my blessings. :-)

Why risk it at all?

I have always wondered how someone who is HIV negative would knowingly and willingly sleep with a person who is HIV positive. Even after my own positive diagnosis, I was pretty sure I would have to start looking for a partner and dreading that conversation of telling a relative stranger my status. I shared my thoughts with Mr. K and he did not seem to understand why I needed to find a new sex partner. What about him? But you are negative, why would you take the risk? His answer? You are worth it. I still don’t understand how one risks so much but at least I am still getting some!

Telling him

Telling my partner that I tested positive is probably the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. I love him dearly even though our relationship can only best be described as a friends-with-benefits kind of deal. He took it hard, he just sat there silent, trying to take it in. We had somehow lapsed in or use of protection for close to a year. I cried for him, and all he did was gather me in his arms and tell me we shall get through this together. He left soon after saying he needed to think, take it all in. It was over a week since my own diagnosis, fear would paralyze him for close to a month before he took the step to go get tested. He is Mr K. and he is HIV negative.

A positive hello

I have stared at a blank page for so long that my eyes hurt. The words refuse to come. Yet the first day I got the results telling me that I was HIV positive I sat down and wrote my thoughts within hours of the diagnosis. I HAD to write then, or my tears would overwhelm me. The tears still came, the dam of words jotted could not old for long. It has been over five months now, maybe I will finally be able to share this new twist in my journey through life. My name is Imani and I am HiV positive.